I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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