i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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