i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
