We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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