When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
