My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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