so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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