giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
