trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
