I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
