I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
