2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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