I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
