He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
