I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
