Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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