I'm going to jail i love you
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
