i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
