U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
