Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
