3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
