So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
