Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
