Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
