She told me I should be a condom model.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
