Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
