Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish I only lived at night.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You need a sexual gate keeper
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
