guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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