every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
