Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
