weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
