do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
