Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
