im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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