Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
