rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
