take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
