I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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