she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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