So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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