I wanna passion pit in your ass
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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