wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
