I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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