Umm I'm too high to move.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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