my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
