sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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