someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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