I think my vagina is haunted
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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