ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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