i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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