I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
