i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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