Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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