HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
50% drunk capacity currently
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
