between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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