Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
